All posts tagged determination

Lost my focus!!

Published February 7, 2016 by lesiripp

Never allow hate in…!!!
Be careful not to confuse your feelings of Anger & Disappointment with Hatred. It easily happens without even realizing it, it happened to me….
When the repetitive feelings of Disappointment and Anger exist in your heart, it won’t be long before the Sadness turning to Hate will eventually creep in too. These are very powerful, dangerous emotions that with time will deepen it’s claws starting to take control and manipulate your thoughts and beliefs. I’m expressing this to you due to my own personal experience. 
Everything I once thought was solid and would survive all, started to crumble down around me and whatever I did to mend it the more I seemed to lose and the further my husband and I became. I was determined, and not wanting to accept this. This was never supposed to happen to us…! This meant too much to me, that I was willing to do everything…anything within my power to regain & rebuild Our Family, Our Life, Our Empire. 
Sadly, I was fighting a losing battle and it was slowly destroying me. I was changing, becoming someone else. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My, once bubbly nature, happiness, ambition & strong will was fading😢, 
I kept my opinions and emotions inside to keep peace in our home – As I’m a Gemini, this was very difficult at first. My love, who I used to open my heart to, was now a stranger to me. Before long it became natural, I stopped expressing all thoughts, fears, confusion. I bottled everything up inside as if it didn’t exist.
I was working 11hrs a day/ 5 days a week as my husband lost his job. I was never home, hardly seeing the kids. It was hard and heartbreaking, but necessary. Money we needed to keep things afloat. 
“Working to Provide for my kids” became my main priority. I was exhausted, burning out, dying inside, heartbroken, sad, lonely and so so angry!(all while holding the best poker face in history) 
My marriage was hanging on by a thread, me sleeping in the spare room every night(after the kids went to bed) I felt I was losing my identity, my personality, I keep tricking myself into believing I could handle this…!! and more if need be, whatever it takes to maintain security and stability (hiding the pain of our separation) for the sake of my children. 
Our marriage, had lost all trust, all communication. My faith and passion had disappeared. But I still couldn’t shake that love I felt in my heart. I struggled to accept that this was us now.
I can’t explain why I was enabling and allowing this to happen to me. I hated myself….My life….My husbands actions….and more importantly…My actions….!!!
I was purely existing, for the kids!! I had given up on myself. 
I hit rock bottom when my 16 year old son sat me down one day and asked me if I was ok? (not buying my bullshit answer one bit) he reassured me that I was still in there somewhere and he would always be by my side, getting through this together. Telling me that everything was going to be ok…I was going to be alright.😭
My son saved me!!! ❤️❤️❤️because of his love, strength and support I started to become myself again.
As more time passes, the more I heal and now always try to see things from all points of view not just my own.
In No way is this the path I chose, But unknowingly it sparked self healing and my new found awareness of life “as it is”, & not what “society says it should be” I am finally able to start moving forward. 
 Learning the art of tolerance, forgiveness and acceptance, knowing that we are all different inside and out and the this is completely OK!!!

Now I now live by the 3 A’s: (Awareness/Acceptance/Away)
– Become AWARE of the situations in life that bother you
*then you can make the choice:
-ACCEPT the little things that really don’t Matter and can live with without it damaging me or my existence 
-OR AWAY with it- out of your life, for your better good!!🤔
Remember, We all make mistakes, It’s part of being human.
PLEASE DON’T LET THE HATE IN…. If you can, allow forgiveness and compassion into your life, It makes you’re story more beautiful, peaceful and humbling.💝
Cherish all special friendships!!
This is truly invaluable. Make and keep good friends and always be honest with them. They will be your moral compass during stormy times, as well as being that fun, unique, beautiful connection we Need, Treasure & Hold close to our hearts. The ones to share all the joys of life with. 
Let’s face it, what’s Life without the special people to share it with🌷💋

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